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31 January 2017

Hymn: Thus Life Breathes

In the temple of my heart

I worship you, dear God

With each breath, I inhale 

When awake, in slumber
When anxious, when relaxed 
In sorrows, in joys
In bright days, in dark nights
Consciously unconsciously 
My life thus lives, thus breathes
With you, my dear God


                                
This may sound unreal. But spiritually, I think supreme devotion turns in such a way that knowingly or unknowingly the light of love is lit in the heart all the time. I think it's the highest love when we forget we are loving someone and what remains is only that light of love. I don't know if I love that way or not but felt to write it, so. It's my Sadhna. 

Feeling to write a bit about my life. After thinking a lot, again and again, I can't find the way to get free out of this place. Many times I fear all my behavior may look like showing attitude or ego. But I can't tell you how desperately I wish to meet my friends who give so much love and support to me with so much patience. Perhaps I don't have enough courage to speak what I have been through for last decade yet. I worry, if my friends won't understand me, then I'll be broken completely. I have past experiences in real life when instead of supporting and understanding my situation, friends worsened it due to lack of empathy. I never wish to lose any friend. Friends are my family. I try to manage the complexities my own. I think I am doing a big mistake by staying silent but I don't understand how to articulate the truth. Isolation for 10 years is already killing me inside, though I try to look happy and try to work. Forced isolation is the cruellest thing which can destroy a person without any weapon. I confess that only reason I could not meet you so far is that I couldn't figure out the way to resolve my life's issues, neither I could gather the courage to speak out about them. I do not want to blame anybody or complain about anything. Therefore things become more complicated to talk. I just hope my dearest friends who have supported me so far will forgive me for not being able to meet them yet and also forgive my behavior which may sound strange sometimes. I feel very guilty for behaving like taking the benevolence and feelings of friends for granted. It's not the case. 

Right now I am feeling a dead end in life. But I read somewhere that such uncertainty is the most beautiful thing in life. It might be true as all uncertainties enhance our capabilities. 

I am absolutely sure that when I will be able to express my true story, you will love me more. Though today, I feel lacking courage there will be a day, hope very soon; when I will be strong enough to recreate ten years of harsh sufferings in some form. I know the power of words and inspired by a great artist, I believe truth can never be buried. Artists can tell the truth powerfully to the whole world. 

Till we meet in real life, I will keep sharing my heartfelt poems and musings. I hope my life will, one day, bless me the opportunity to express my gratitude for everything you do for me. I can never forget it.

@mohinipuranik
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